I have seen a psychiatrist and a psychologist about Alcohol. They determined that I am not necessarily an alcoholic--but I abuse it. I live in a state where there are mottos posted on the highways that read: DWI, YOU CANNOT AFFORD IT. And so yes, I know the dangers, the consequences, et. al. Do you know how many times I have looked at myself while inebriated and asked myself: why are you doing this? I am proud of myself for not driving home from a pub f***ed as much. I used to do it constantly; not so much now because I am making a conscious effort to think about what I am doing before I do something. I am going out tonight--if I stay at home I will inundate myself with so much alcohol until I pass out. I weigh about 115 pounds and can outdrink a sizable man. Pathetic, I know. I am doing much better than before, though. I used to have those blackouts you're talking about. I cannot imagine what I am doing to my body and my brain when I do stupid things like this. But as, I am sure you know, there are times during my cycles when I just do not give a flying f*** about anything. I am really looking forward to my next therapy session. I need to talk to a professional about coping with loss in a constructive manner. It's funny--I am educated, have a nice apartment, have a nice car, have a great job, have decent friends and family members, are reasonably attractive, and have ambition. So then why are my thought processess and my personal life in the s*** hole? That is my eternal dilemma. Sigh.