I feel myself sinking down, down, down...

It's gradual, but I feel like I am getting lower and lower. My intrusive thoughts have come back in the last couple of days. They are gross and violent thoughts, sort of like remembering a picture. They are not hallucinations, thank goodness. I am worried that they will just get more frequent and more violent until they flood at me 24/7...like they were when I first met my psych NP.

I am tired of trying drugs, only to have them work and then have some horrid side effect. Zoloft ended in mania, Lamictal gave me a hypersensitivity reaction, the slower restart of Lamictal ended that way too. Each time the depression lifts, then comes crashing back down after having to quit the drug. I am still on Lithium, but all it has done for me is take away the few good days I ever have. She wants me to try Abilify...but NO WAY JOSE!!!!

The NP keeps saying that we have the hypomania under control, and we can get the depression...but why does she seem so darned happy to have taken away my good days? The good days never got me into trouble...it's the bone crushing depression. She doesn't know about the time I came within a few minutes of suicide in college, and she doesn't know about how I wake up in the morning disappointed to face another hopeless day. I am not suicidal now..I have a hubby and a baby to love. But knowing how far down I got before makes me scared that there is no hope for me...I just have to live like this.

Sorry to type so much...I just want to cry forever.