(((dreamseeker))) - i'm right there with you on opening up and saying stuff i've never mentioned before.

maybe a month ago (a bit longer, perhaps?) i *finally* admitted a very small yes to pdoc when he asked me (for the 100th time) if there had been CSA. four years of denying it outright and i finally said yes!! so... that was progress for me. a bit of a milestone, actually.

since then... the amount i am getting out of therapy with pdoc feels like it is in overdrive. it is so incredibly painful - pdoc says it's like airing out a room, but i feel it's more like ripping out the carpet & light fixtures, and smashing the furniture for good measure . i dread it. i see Austin-T every thursday afternoon, and pdoc every friday morning, so my agenda with Austin-T has now been expanded to include motivational therapy for me to actually show up to therapy the next day!

it kills me so much, but the aftermath is so healing.

i guess my most recent 'progress' just happened with pdoc on friday - admitting to him that sometimes i want to rely on him. such a huge thing for me to say (actually - i couldnt say it, he named it and i just nodded). i still don't allow myself to do so, but just admitting that sometimes i want to... felt like ripping out my heart and stabbing it with a fork so many times. i honestly thought i was going to die, relying on someone is such an abhorrent idea to me. it was soul destroying, to be honest.

but pdoc was so excited, he was so honoured, and he affirmed it and affirmed it and affirmed it and thought it was the greatest thing ever. he says it's not that i'm losing myself, but that i'm growing into a new person. he got quite emotional about it, actually. i was really touched that he was so honoured by my admitting that. i really thought he would have been like "FREAK!!! get away from me you blood sucking monster". and instead he teared up and said he's been praying for something like this?!

i'm still really, really uncertain, but i can't deny how much of a positive reaction it evoked from pdoc. and since i trust him, i might be willing to let the feeling sit and be accepted (instead of pushing it away and self harming because i loathe it, like i usually would). i dont think i can actually let myself rely on pdoc just yet... but maybe not pushing that desire away is a good first step for me to take.

next week will be difficult though (again!!). i feel really naked with him knowing that now.