anxietygirl, you must be under a horrendous amount of stress. What an awful situation. Sorry you're going through this.

I think it is healthy and takes courage to admit what you are feeling, that you hate your son. But I also agree with some of the others that this is a corrosive and unhealthy way to feel...and if you aren't already, seeing a therapist might help you through your resentment.

It's hard when someone is bent on self-destruction. I have no idea if he will accept anyone's help. But if you can tell him that you do care what happens to him, even though you are firmly refusing to let him trash your life anymore, maybe it will give him a glimmer to go on.