I've issued a challenge to myself today, and am posting here both to work it out further in my thoughts, and to invite anyone in who wants to comment and reflect on this theme.

It's not about me.

See, for various reasons, sometimes I tend to think it is. About -me-. That voice will go something like........"Emergency! Look, look, look what they wrote/said! It's true! I am bad, stupid, unwanted, mistaken, not good enough not strong enough not sick enough not well enough! Look! I must think on this long and hard, I must protect, I defend and debate, oh gods they can see who and what I am, emergency!" This all translates as tension, stress, anxiety, depression, being triggered, hypervigilance, and all the rest.

So. There I am, totally taking in a brief interaction with someone else, and I'm at World War 5 level stress already

I know why I do this. I know my childhood history, I know of various adult traumas, I know the world can be a challenging place. So, I don't necessarily need to rework all that other than to remind myself....."Oh yeah. I've been here before. Hmm, maybe I can do something different this time.".

Next, I can stop staring at the whatever I read on my monitor, I can excuse myself from the person in front of me, I can deflect and deter and just sorta.....amble away. Refocus. Collect myself and make a choice.

Cause if I allow all that anxiety and emergency and It's All About Me! stuff to keep cascading and building, it will take longer to get to choice, and I'll have really done my body a disservice. It don't need to be flooded with anxiety so constantly.

Okay. I've moved away. I've unplugged. Now I redirect.

Am I hungry? Time to eat. When did I last have some water? What's the weather like, what does the sky look like? Am I in the mood for music? Let's experiment here, I know the probable results of my past way of coping, how bout I try something that tends to work better? Am I breathing in a relaxed manner? La la la, what would be fun to do right now, for me?

It's not about me. I don't need to worry about possibly missing some grand cosmic message, if someone or something really does need to get through to me, they will. For now, I don't need to scan through all input as if it might be messages of dire portent and emergency. It's not about me. Sure, the other person used my name, pointed the words towards me, is looking at me........but you know what? I -still- have choice. I have boundaries, yup yup. I can pick and choose. And maybe I really would do better to just amble away, whistling, and go look at the birds on the cedar tree outside.

Eventually it is time for treats. For applause, for declaring to myself: "Yay Team!". To pin this episode of healthy habit building down with maybe a journal entry, a reward of some simple yet pleasing sort, perhaps the sharing of my Aha! moment with friends.

I am not new at habit change, I am not new at learning how to survive and thrive. Yet every step is new, every breath is a gift, and birds are sure fun to watch in trees.