Firstly, I want to say thank you to everyone who replied to my last post. It means alot. It really does.

Anyways, on with the update.
I did get an awnser to what might be wrong in the "Answers" section. In parts of what they said, it explained what was happening. In other parts I completly disagreed with...

I don't know guys... Part of me thinks something is really wrong with me. Another part says I'm fine. That it really is just my imagination. I'm really lost. I don't know weather I should get the help alot of you said I needed to get now, or blow it off, and go on normally. For the past few weeks I've been randomly tired/restless, so I can't think straight. (like the other day I slept 14 hours and then didn't sleep again for maybe 23 hours)

I still have mood swings.

The voices stopped. Even though now, I see faces in alot of weird places. Like I just saw one in my closet. I kept having to look at it, but at the same time, it made my skin crawl. Now I hear buzzing and knocking. Like maybe an hour ago, it sounded like someone was pounding on the front door. I went in there to see who could be knocking at 2:46 in the morning. When I got there, it was no one. I went outside but immediatly had to come back in because it felt like someone was watching, and was going to grab me.

When it's quiet, the buzzing gets so loud, it feels like my head is going to explode. No matter how tight I plug my ears, it keeps getting louder, and louder. Noise makes it soften. I kept having to yell and scream just to make it stop momentarily. As soon as I stopped, it got loud again. It felt like the room was spinning. I fell over. Then it suddenly stopped. It doesn't do it all the time when it's quite,it does it rarely. And only when I'm alone.

And my imagination has been going crazy. Like earlier I was thinking what it would be like if someone put cameras in my house. Knowing there wasn't actually any cameras, I acted like I didn't know they were there. Instead of acting like I normally would, I tried acting perfect for whoever was watching. I got a fake twitch and started pretending like I was talking to voices in my head. I tried to make myself stop, but I couldn't. No matter what I thought, I still kept pretending there was people watching. I couldn't make myself stop, I don't know why. It seemed like someone else was in control. Like I had been pushed out of the driver's seat of my own car, or something along those lines.

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm not real. Like no one is real. Like I'm watching a movie almost. A movie I can't look away from to bring myself back to reality.

I'm starting not to know who I am anymore. I don't really know how to explain it... But it's kinda like when you have a really, really, really close friend. And you know everything about them. Then that friend starts talking to other people, leaving you behind, doing other things. After awhile you get together and you realize, that person's changed and you don't know them anymore. That's kinda how I see myself now.

Someone told me that I'm not sick. That I'm doing it all for drama and I don't even realize it. That I needed to grow up. And I'm starting to believe them. In spite of all the things that are happening, I blame myself for wanting attention. And that's how I came to the conclusion of why people wont listen. I whine and complain so much, that everyone got tired of me and gave up. I ask one of my "friends" if I complain alot and she said I'm one of the few people she knows who barely complains. I think she was lying though.

I don't know anymore... I think I would just be better off dead sometimes... Hey, if I'm gone they'll be less to worry about in the world, right? Just a problem lefted off everyone's shoulders. With me out of the way, my family wouldn't have to spend money on me, and maybe we wouldn't have so many money problems. You know, suicide doesn't seem like such a bad idea right now.

But I won't do it. I'm a coward. I'm a stupid kid. What am I gonna do? give myself papercuts? No. I'm to scared to do that even... Maybe if I wasn't such a screw-up, my family would give a damn about me.

I guess I'll just end this before I bother you guys with my problems anymore...

Goodnight everyone.
~Cyanne