I spent a few hours with Connor on Saturday and he cheered me up a little, made my day a little more bearable. Didn't feel so great yesterday, so did lots of cleaning then stayed in bed for the rest of the day. I just feel exhausted and like there's no point anymore. Was almost admitted on Saturday night because I was so out of control and couldn't trust myself, wouldn't let anyone come near me, touch me, talk to me or anything. I keep shaking, sweating, panicking, hyperventilating.. But still I take no notice of my body screaming at me to just stop everything, drop everything and roll (quite literally) into a deep slumber of rest. Just for one day relax and just watch DVDs, or talk to people, be around people, go shopping, do my hair and makeup really nice and just feel good about the day for once, look forward to it instead of groaning and thinking it's just another day to get through.. I have so many wishes that are so ******* simple to accomplish, like the hair and makeup and relaxing thing, but I just never manage to do it.. There's always something more important, more demanding than my body needing help..

Tonight has probably been the most difficult. I just cannot stand being in this body anymore, I cannot stand being this person anymore, this person that puts everybody else above her, that is so unimportant to everyone else, that feels like she's made NO impact on peoples' lives and like she's just a waste of time, energy and space wherever she goes. I wish I could just be normal. I wish I could sleep properly, I wish I could eat normally, talk normally, smile normally, just be normal for once. You know, I used to be the oddball as a kid, the shy, quiet, fostered one, then it was that I was the shy, quiet adopted one that wasn;t wanted by her Mum,that her Mum hated, then I was the reject of the Adoptive Family, then the reject of the YMCA. Now... A reject to myself because I feel I have to carry on that trend. And you know what? I'm sick to DEATH of being a reject. It's not funny anymore, I used ot not be able to understand it, was naive. I'm not that stupid, f-cked up naive little kid anymore. I'm an 18 year old. An adult. I should be treated like a person, but I never am..

Maybe it's my fault that I'm not treated like a normal person, but I try.