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I love you with all my heart and can't wait to see you on friday night xxxxxx you are my angel xxxxxx
I felt special, I felt loved, I felt wanted, I felt like his angel - he calls me that a lot now and it makes me feel alive, feel that little spark inside that says "Hey, come on Sis, someone loves you. Keep truckin' on 'coz you've got him by your side". Which is true, but most of all.. I felt guilty. Why guilty?
Because I feel like by hurting me, I am hurting him, I don't like to hurt him, hate it in fact... I don't want to be the angel that hurts him because she hurts herself because she feels she has no control in her life. It makes him unhappy, which makes me unhappy, which makes him unhappy and so on.I hate making him unhappy. I do try to make him happy, but I just feel like I'm failing all the time which in turn makes me unhappy and the cycle begins again.
I love him so much and I hate to see that I'm hurting him... How can I resolve this? We have decided that every weekendm he will stay over at mine and for everyday that he's at mine we will spend an hour out of that day doing a workout regime together. We've never done anything like that before, but it's something to make us both feel better, hopefully help my ED to die down and hopefully make us respect each other a little more because we take more care for ourselves and our appearances. He knows how much I hate not being able to straighten my hair because my straighteners broke, so he's said he'll buy me a new pair on Saturday "as my late Birthday present", which I'm really chuffed about, but again... Have so little self respect and such low self esteem that I said to him I didn't want him buying them... This was because I feel like I don't deserve them. Sigh.
I can't wait to start having fun with him again, to be able to do the exercise regime with him and just feel so much better about myself knowing that we're doing it together, getting fitter together and not worrying about who's watching us or whatever, just knowing that we're improving the way we look and feel about each other..
I just feel like me being messed up is really messing him up..
I can't stop thinking about 2 days ago when he said how much he hates my arms, how much my arms upset him because he sees the pain behind them that caused me to make these scars. I hate that! I hate myself for that. Why do I keep hurting him? WHY???
I just wish I could make him happy... I'm seeing an ED counsellor to make him happy, seeing my old cpn again to make him happy, trying my damndest to stop SI to make him happy, trying to be happy again to make him happy..
I love him so much and I just can't bear to hurt him anymore...
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