You probably have a point there. I'm angry at him and I don't think I'd go back if he came calling...but there is a little part of me that doesn't seem so sure. Kind of disconcerting.

The odd thing is that my self esteem has risen by leaps and bounds since he stopped seeing me causing my focus to turn to myself as a distraction (got a fabulous hair stylist doing new things every visit, another 20lbs weight loss over 6 months, fun new clothes). I can see that I still look to others for affirmation somewhat but not as much as I used to.

I am still smarting from the shock of assuming he had no one else in his life and finding out otherwise as well as the feelings of rejection (he chose her over me) but I also know that it was an impossible situation and that the only legitimate grievance I have is that he neglected to tell me outright it was over.

Still I really think there isn't any likelihood of going back into the affair simply because his new relationship will probably last for at least a year which means I'll be close to finishing school and never see him again. As it is, he will avoid my campus as much as possible. He lives in another city about 30 minutes away. Also he is the type who is very decisive as well so once he makes a decision he is unlikely to change his mind. He is a master at compartmentalization and purposely stays emotionally detached and unavailable (which spells doom for his future relationships I would think--if past is an indicator of the future (2 previous failed marriages in his past).

I think that with a little more time, there won't be that little uncertainty about what I would do if there was a chance to continue in the affair. I think it is an indication of a self esteem issue but I also think that it is a gap in my armor that will close once the initial grief has progressed a little farther along through the stages of healing. Definitely worth thinking about though...