I have been feeling kind of sick since I took that test and posted this....For some reason the memories have just flooded my mind all at once and that is scary for me....I have spent my life (since I was 8)...trying to be "normal".

Susan, I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now...
When I stopped being the keeper of secrets is when I got scared, angry, overwhelmed, and a whole lot of other things.
Guess what? It's very nearly a given that we are going to feel this way--jmo/jme.
We get flooded with memories and flooded with so very many feelings. Double whammy that can send us reeling!
Perhaps there is a part of you that was ready to bring these things out in the open...

They are all dead now so I will never get any answers......
Jme, but answers don't usually explain the behavior of anyone. Why? There is no cut and dried answer for what happens to us. Oh there are weak excuses but nothing of substance to help.
Accepting it was one of the hardest things I've done...I wanted to know why me? how could you?
When you are a kid and lonely, sad, a misfit who's father killed himself..I think the predators of this world can just "sense" that. I haven't found the adult word to be much kinder......only not as overt.
I am so sorry...you've been through may hard times.
In total agreement about them having that "sense" about our vulnerability. It certainly gave me tremendous trust issues.
With the help of a couple of therapists over the years, it's been better. Not perfect, but better.

Is there any chance you could go in to therapy for awhile?
Long enough for you to get these things out of the dark, understand how it's affected you, and the things you can do to feel better.
If you are able to do therapy, at least keep posting here at PC. Lots of love and support will be given to you.
Please don't keep it bottled up inside, please.

Catherine