That's a serious thing. Don't be so hard on yourself. My brother died 6 years ago and it's still not resolved for me and I didn't even watch him die. I saw his body at the funeral, but it was so unreal. It hurts when someone dies by any method, but suicide is the most confusing for those left behind, which is why I'm trying to get well so I don't cause that for others. To be the person who found him and to have walked into him in the dark is cause for need of therapy alone, even if you didn't have any other issues going on. Take care of yourself and try to work through it whatever way you can (writing, painting, talking to your T, etc.). Take as much time as you need.