Quote:
Originally Posted by Amazonmom
It's weird being depressed without all the agitated, frenetic energy to go with it. Lithium must be doing something... But the energy is what has always helped me to function while being so down. I am worried that I will screw up my job, the bills, my housekeeping, etc. I know my family needs my income and my help caring for baby and the home. The pressure I feel is so intense.
All I really want to do is go in a closet and hide. Forever.
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AM,
My closet is for rent on a weekly basis...all the comforts but not from home. The comforts in this closet are the kind you find when you are tired, feel under or over whelmed, start feeling those miserable feelings of life changes that are scary...it's a safe place.
Jme, but when my body/mind were adjusting to med changes, I felt like Hades. I was out of my comfort zone, and I hated it. My "comfort zone" was not healthy for me, it was what I was used to, though...and I did not want to give it up for something that was unknown to me.
I felt deflated, a mess who was pushing herself to get through the hour--forget getting through a day, an hour with the mask of I Am All Right was my limit.
And I was very angry with myself for not sailing through it. Here I was a psych nurse on medical leave, in worse condition than some of the clients in the unit, and hating myself was on par with the disgust I felt that I should know better...
The other four letter word--Time--was equal to the other 4 letter word.
But time is what it took while I adjusted to the meds, stopped pressuring myself by projecting what would/could happen, cried when it took too damn long, and did not want to hear anyone, AnyOne, tell me it would get better.
After riding out a myriad of feelings, it eased into being better, different but better.
Another jme, but I also felt panicked about the same things concerning work, family responsibilities. If I didn't take care of myself, however, it was going to make things worse.
It was a bit of a shock to me that these things actually went on without my being the old me. In some ways, things were better because of the absence of the "other me".
In no way do I imply that any of this would be true of you...I'm sharing my own experience.
Honestly? It hurt my feelings when the world didn't stop while others managed just fine, albeit with adjusting to the changes. So much for me feeling everything might fall apart if I wasn't the glue.
Processes are just that...ongoing with an eye on a goal that will change as we make progress. Progress for me was two steps forward, 40 backwards on some days.
It was all right. I was not in a race to the finish line of recovery...
In my thoughts.
Please be kind to yourself, AM.
Catherine