(((((((((( Wendy ))))))))))

I'm sorry it's taken so long to reply... I needed some time to think, I need to work thru a few problems and I can see how it all ties together.

As I had forewarned us, this thread might cause us sleeplessness, agitation, obsession, etc. and I was no less susceptible even though I knew it's potential. These image of the *****y step-mom have been haunting me like a nightmare, creeping into my thoughts when I least expect it and even though I only experience it for a moment, it's been recurrent and intense each time. I even feel it now as I'm writing, but I'm going forward with this, I need to work it out.

What would I do as an adult in the same situation?

I see two possilbe answers. One, the way I should react, and two, the way I would react as I am now.

Ideal me says, sit down with the lady. Talk about what I feel about her and the treatment I've recieved from her. Use my dad's alliance to keep her in check. Measure her by her weakness and forgive her. Outwit her. Be kinder than her, cause there's no guilt connected to decency and no justification for mistreating kindness.

Real me says escape, avoid, blame, accuse, confront, argue, reason, express, complain, be angry, yell, hit, kick ......

What did I try to do to change the situation and to cope?

At first I tried to reason with her til I realized the deck was stacked against me. I thought of complaining to my dad but decided against it cause he'd been married and divorced so many times and I carried guilt because of it, whether it was deserved or not, but in the back of my mind, I though it was.

To cope, I read a lot of books, spent time at friends homes, thought school was great cause I'd be away from her, I developed a sense of humor that never let me feel the pain, I stayed as far away from her as I could.

How did I feel about it?

At the time, I didn't think it was so much to deal with. Just an unpleasant situation I'd eventually escape by growing up and moving away. I thought I was handling it. I had friends, I loved my dad, I did well in school, I was responsible to the rules... I grew accustomed to the idea I had no mother except my fantasy mother 100's of miles away. It was a closed door and I guess I didn't want to make friends with the lady after so much time had gone by. I didn't realize this closed door would have such an impact later when my whole house of cards collapsed.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius