I feel like I deserve less than what I am giving myself, I know that everyone here and Connor and my counsellor disagree. I know it's becausethey care and they can see that I wasn't wrong, but I can't see that.. I'm trying my best to, but it just seems like I'm lying to myself and trying to prove them wrong, which I wasn't allowed to do then and still feel I'm not allowed to do.

No, it doesn't seem harsh or mean at all. I mean... If it was me staring someone else, then that'd be the most horrific thing I ever saw/did. I feel like I have to carry on the punishments that The Adoptive Family gave me, so I starve and exercise til I'm crying in pain, as a way to stop me having physical, visible scars that people hate and question me about, but still cause me pain, if that makes sense.. Just pain that others can't see but I can.

I do know that I am among friends, I guess I'm just scared that by showing the depressed side of me, you'll all get fed up, like everyone else did and run away. Thank you, FooZe. I don't feel very courageous. Part of me says that it's nothing, what I've told you... But when I think over it fully, I realise that I've found it very hard saying some of the things that I have. Especially considering I don't trust very easily. This is the only place I really feel safe.

I know that I'm competing so hard that I hurt myself. I can't seem to help it. I know that by next week, the amount of sit ups I do will have doubled, no matter how painful it is. I want to be able to just play hard and do my best, but everytime I do that, it just turns into competing to hurt myself.