Jmonger, Hi and welcome!! I got from your other thread that your wife has BPD, yes? Are you attempting to reconcile your marriage or have you made the decision to end the marriage? I hear you have a son.......you are a good dad for taking him dirt bike riding!!

Is your wife getting treatment(therapy, meds, hospital)? Have you had therapy as a carer? How long has your wife been battling this and where you with her when the symptoms started? Sorry, 20 questions.......just getting a baseline....

I have lived with BPD for 15 years.......10 of those years where horrendous and I feel I was lucky to survive it. The last 5 years, I met a wonderful man but residual borderline bits rise up occassionally to bite me. the difference now is that I can recognise them and with the help of my T, I can put my cognitive skills into action. Your wife has to want to get infinitely better, even on the days when she wants to give up......the illness is extremely powerful and takes great strength and courage to rise above it. Some days are better than others.

As a husband and carer, you are left with the dubious task of being her lover, her carer, her best friend and a father to your child. You also have to find time for you and not "subscribe to the illness". Afterall, you are not the one who is fundamentally suffering from it. Make no mistake .....what you are undertaking is a mountainous task.......but it is not impossible. It is a delicate and complex dance that you are performing with your wife, as do all people who live with or love people who are mentally ill. I could go on forever about this!!

I cannot help you understand the intricacies of borderline or why you feel like your wife has used you as a punching bag. It is impossible. I can only help you scratch the surface of the disorder because you are "not living it" you are "living with it". Big difference but fine line. I am not denying that she makes you feel this way. i know how you feel!! With hindsight, help, forgiveness and a bit of self love, I can see that I most definitely used people as punching bags in the irrational protection of self......the "I hate you, don't leave me" mentality. I have had many karmic dues to pay.

She must WANT to get better.......there is only so much love you can give her before she has to learn to love herself, so you can love each other together and restore the balance of mutuality. This will take much time and therapy(for BOTH of you). At the moment you feel that you are trying to love for the both of you, am I right? Forget that, you are pushing mud uphill. As she must learn to "take care" of herself, so must you.

Remember this, you are doing the best that you can, with the resources that you have. tell yourself that you are a good husband and your self-worth does not rest on whether your wife is treating you properly. You are a good father to your son and only YOU know whether your marriage is worth pursuing. If you love her without condition, get the help to support her. If you don't then you need to assess where you are and your reasons for staying.

We are here to support you whenever you need it, if you wish to PM me feel free for a more lengthy discussion, and lastly, you are not alone, okay?

In stillness........

Michah

“Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”Taoist proverb