Hi there,

As humans, we often compare ourselves to others.......mentally well and menatlly ill alike. We compare where we are in life, how much money we have(or don't have!), where we are in terms of our illness, how many assets we have, how many friends we have, the healthiness of our relationships, the length of therapy, medications, the type of therapy we have, how strong we are, our contribution to the greater good, how beautiful we are, how mature we are, how far we have gotten in leaving the past behind, how altruistic we are and I could go on ad nauseam.....

My partner, who is considered to be "very mentally fit and healthy" has reached his witching hour.......the time in our lives(usually when you hit 30) when we spin out of control with worry and fear....."who am I" and "where am I going". I did experience this earlier in life but the dread came and went when I found some new youthful energy. Now I am 35 and struggle immensely with time running out......my goodness!! I just spent the last 15 years speeding up the healing process just so I could "get on with life". Now I am trying to "slow life down". Which is it Michah? You can't have both.

The problem stems from comparisons........I have found that our yardstick is what society calls "normality". So not only do we have to grapple, accept and heal from this debilitating disorder, but we must also be "normal". We must earn money, have lots of healthy sex with our significant other, be beautiful with a tiny waist and tight buns, we must be sexy, we must be logical, rational and infinitely loving, we must be GREAT parents, we must groom ourselves everyday or we are made to feel like we are not coping, the house must be spotless and so on and so on.......no wonder we feel crazy!!!

GIVE IT UP!!! Comparisons are dangerous for the basic reason that EVERYBODY has baggage, mentaly ill or not. Everyone has fears and insecurities. Granted they are not as debilitating as in the throes of a fierce borderline battle, but if you want to make comparisons, we are not so different from everyone else. We are only made to feel that way because we need help to deal with a disorder and sensitive veiw on life. We are mostly the same height, we all stand on two legs, we all have brains and we all have humanity in common......our view is the same as everyone elses......we just see it a diffrenet and infinitely more terrifying way.

We are not so different, so comparisons are moot, if you really delve into the life of a person who is mentally healthy, has money and all that, you will find that they are not so fundamentally enlightened. They may have much on the surface but lack the strength, courage or honorability to rightfully take their place in the Universe. It is all a sham. The brave person is the one who admits, "I have much but I mean little to myself. I would give up everything if I could only love me".

So I live bordering on poverty and take great joy in the way my clean clothes smell with my Cuddly fabric softener, and the way that my little chihuahua shakes her entire body when she sees me in delight, or my son gives me a foreign hug(he is 14). No one can compare what joy that gives me because it is MY experience.......no-one else's. I wish for little, I wish for stillness and I know the only way I can FIND me, is to lose me.......the old me of possessions and fake friends, high paying jobs with little spirit, of self destruction and hatred, of my old and out-dated value system.

It is not easy.......rebirth never is......somedays I feel like I am trying to push myself through a tube of toothpaste, it is so claustrophobic and infinitely terrifying........but then there are moments now where I feel like the luckiest person in the world, with or without, borderline or no borderline.

They are the moments I live for and it matters little whether others understand my journey(they do try but they struggle sometimes!) as it matters little what people think of yours......remember, it is too precious to compare, you are warriors of the spirit. You cannot compare that......

In stillness, beautiful people.........