T and I reconnected last session, after several weeks of turmoil within me that resulted in my retreating... from just about everyone and everything.

I had been feeling just very flat. That is not a bad place for me to be. It's a place of disconnect where nothing touches me ... positively or negatively. It even seems as if it must be "normal" because I view "normal" as being so emotionally healthy that they can take anything that comes along.
I have gone on like this before for long periods of time.
But this time something about it didn't feel good after a while. I began to feel afraid I was going to end therapy even though I didn't want to do that. Hard to explain
So last session we talked about my approach and avoid (retreat) patterns and I realize that what I was doing was retreating from closeness, from the distrust of it, the uncertainty of it, the what-do-I-do-with-this good feelings about it, the undeserving feelings about it... pushing it away because and when it becomes overwhelming (another pattern).

So we reconnected in a really wonderful session, and true to my patterns, I am afraid to go tonight. I don't want to mess anything up. I want to keep everything just like it is right now.. because it feels good right now. Oh, I'm going to go... I am learning to do things while afraid but, still... ya know?

Anyway, I just felt like writing this out, putting it here, see if anyone else relates in any way.