2 weeks ago he told me he'd got a promotion so he was closing his private practice altogether within a month.

last week he told me my medicare-subsidised sessions were running out, but he was going to apply for a further 6 sessions on my behalf. i asked him how that would work, because i thought he was closing his practice? and he said no, he was just cutting back days and could continue to see me but maybe not every week. i dont know how i responded (think i was still confused) and then he jumped in with "but i can see you at pdoc's hospital instead, so we can make it every week if you're willing to meet at different places".

i wanted to clarify what exactly was happening this week, but of course i just let him take the reigns again and didnt speak up at the beginning like i should have. i wanted to know if he was only willing to see me for another 6 sessions, or if he would be happy for me to pay as a private client (the money isn't an objection for me, i think it would be worth the investment). but he always has a list of things he wants to address, and kind of leads our sessions, and i didnt say anything at the beginning like i wanted to.

so at the end he told me that next week was our last session, and he asked me if i had health insurance (i don't). so he said he would be willing to see me one more time after next week (pro bono) just to see how my exam went. and then it was the end of the session.

i've moved beyond sad to just giving up. i have no space in my life for people who are going to send me mixed messages, or who change their mind from one week to the next.

but a part of me also feels really rejected. i know he works with other clients on a long term basis (he mentioned it today), and i also know he isn't dropping his other clients either (just offering them less contact, so he can fit his load into 3 days instead of 5).

but whatever, right? i wouldnt want to continue with him anyway, after this.

so now all i have to figure out is if i want to go back next week to our last session. my exam is the following week, and it is just meant to focus on how i can study for it and attend. but a part of me thinks that i shouldn't go, because how can i even hope to pass next semester (when i'm taking on a bigger subject load) if i can't even do one measly exam by myself. and he has already taken me 90% of the way there, so it's not like i would be really struggling either. i dont want to go next week because that way it'll be at least a tiny amount of confidence that i can continue by myself.

but i'll probably end up going, just for the sake of not rocking the boat. if i cancelled he would want to know why, and i dont want to tell him the truth because he doesnt deserve my trust.

i guess the thing to be grateful for is that he's dumping me now, instead of in 6 months when i would have started to trust him properly. at the moment, i am beginning to trust him (and that is painful enough) but i haven't said anything that would give him any indication about who i am. so i guess that's something.