I don't want people to see how much weight I'm losing. The only person that I want to see, is me. I even siad to a couple of friends that I would probably avoid people as much as possible because I don't want them to see me losing weight. I know that Connor's coming over tomorrow and he'll try to make me eat. But.. I can't

Of course... I'd be objective, I'd beg them not to do it to themselves. I've been in that situation before. It was difficult, but eventually she came round and relised she was ruining her life. But how could my life possibly be ruined anymore anyway? I'll try writing as if it's me answering to a friend, but don't know how well I'll do or when I'll do it. I'm so tired, I even opened my door this morning then wallked into it because my head just fell forward because I was so tired. I have to clean my whole flat today, I just feel so tired and like I can't do anything anymore, like I just want to sleep all day. Stupid bloody kids buzzing up to my flat at 3am!!!! I had actually just drifted off to sleep when I woke up panicking because I thought it was the morning and I'd missed doing breakfast club or something. Panicking about that a lot lately. It sucks

I don't know what would happen if I didn't punish myself. I would feel guilty for one, I think. I would feel like the were going to come and beat me to death if I didn't punish myself. I would feel a gap for certain, maybe - hopefully - a good gap. But it'd be strange.

You're doing everything right! And yes, I feel I have to carry on the punishments so that they will finally approve of me. You know... I've just decided that when I see them, I want to tell them how much they hurt me. I want to question them about why they did what they did, I want to tell them that I carried on the punishments because I thought that I was wrong and it was what I deserved. I want them to know how much of an influence they had on me, but how I am working through it.

Yesterday, my counselling session was fantastic. The first time counsellor had ever seen me looking so upset, hurt, serious and whispering so much. I told her at the end of the session that I would've kicked myself had I not said what I did in the session. I told her everything. About how my ribs were really broken and the fact that she's the first person of importance (professional) that knows about it and even Connor doesn't know, I told her how they hit me and gave me time limits on doing my jobs, how they laughed at me, mocked me, called me chubs when - looking back at videos and photos - I was a skinny little runt. Quite literally. I was the runt of the family. I told her as much as I possibly could in 50 minutes. She screwed up her face at one point, putting her head in her hands and said..

"How could a Mother treat any child like that??? Adopted or not, YOU were HER daughter!! Having kids of my own, I just don't understand how anyone could treat a child so badly. Did she not even investigate what you said about Thomas sexually abusing you? Did she not even think 'I adopted this child and took her on as my own to love her and guide her with living as a person of her own.' But no, it was all calculated and she not only wanted you to be who SHE tried to force you to be, she kicked you out for not being that person. WHY?!?!?!" It was extremely distressing, it was a very difficult session and I think that was the first time she'd ever seen me looking so serious, so upset.. So hurt. I said to her at the end of the session that I knew I'd have kicked myself if I hadn't said anything about it all in that session and she thanked me for sharing so much and she said she knew how difficult it was and could see it was difficult by the look on my face. She then said "It is NOT your fault. Never was, still isn't and never will be. They'll get their bout of guilt, don't you worry. And they won't be able to cope with it alone. They'll have to go through therapy because they're harbouring so much guilt. Not that that's much consolence, but I just want you to know that they will feel the guilt eating away at them. You're so brave for sticking through it and carrying on no matter how crap it was for you. You're a very strong person, Kirsten and I - along with many others - believe in you." I felt like crying. It was really, really hard and I do hope with all my heart that the guilt plagues them. I hope they feel so guilty that they are forced to turn to therapy. Because they took the piss out of me for going into therapy to help me deal with the emotions and stuff going on in my head, now it's my turn to laugh because I'm pushing through it when it's most difficult. They're just pushing it down, not wanting to acknowledge the guilt. Counsellor said that unless they were really, horribly hard and cold hearted people, they will feel guilty and have no choice but to go to therapy.

I just feel such a big weight lifted off my shoulders. I sighed after saying it and counsellor asked me how I felt. I said that I felt scared that they'd find out that I told The Secret, but that I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and relief, elation at finally saying it to someone, instead of just writing it down all the time. That was a brilliant session and I feel I can breathe more easily now. Although I am still terrified that they'll find out.

FooZe, I wil try to take care of myself and thank you everyone for sitting with me when I most need it