So I havnt SI'd for a while - dont know how long - disassociating a lot - losing track of time an place - but ... and you knew there would be one

I put myself in harms way - it was a way around my agreement to T not to hurt myself - I thought hey if someone else does it then I havnt broken my word dumb dumb dumbdumb and did I say ,,, dumb...

I told T - he was angry at my behavoiur but not at me and it ended up ok cos I wasnt hurt.....

maybe I was just trying to say SEE T look how bad I really am now you can leave as I know you will.....

I know I wanted to prove I wasnt a coward cos I ran when I was attacked a long time ago......

But I also wanted.... well I guess you can guess what I wanted...

T says I did it cos I hate myself and he's right - but how do you stop.....
he says dispute what I have taken to be facts and that he sees a good eperson and I said thats because you dont know me.....

I keep cycling through this... why cant I just let it go....

I am sad and ashamed at how stupid my behaviour was...... maybe if someone reads this it will show them this is NOT the way to go - dunno..... its ok to read and NOT reply.