I'm losing the fight. There is no joy left in me. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. To do an errand with my husband or meet some friends for dinner or an afternoon out is an extremely overwhelming task and requires every bit of strength that left in my being. It leaves me horribly weak and depressed the next day.

The psychotic symptoms are increasing even though I'm on the right kinds of meds for it. Plus, during the very brief times I feel normal (5 days or less), I still see, hear and feel things. This scares me to death. I wonder what will happen if we never are able to control it. As it gains strength, and it is already, what will become of me?

I feel like I am ruining my husband's life. He is very social, loves to go out and meet new people, loves to see new places.

I have a friend flying in to see me in a week. I have always liked and enjoyed her very much. Now, I don't want to see her. I don't want her to see me this way. She's looking forward to doing some nice things with me. I really don't want to. I want to hide away and disappear. But I will give every last ounce of strength in my being to her for a whole week. When she leaves, as always, I will have a very deep crash in mood.

HOW SELFISH I'VE BECOME! I used to be an upbeat person most of the time. I would help others. They could come to my home, pour out their hurts and problems while I sat to listen. Then I'd ask them to find the central part of the issue. Then I'd help them find the tools they forgot they had to help them discover a solution themselves to take home and apply. It never failed to to build up their courage and strength. But these weren't mental problems.

Now I can't help myself anymore. I'm a sorry excuse for a human. One who is focused in on herself and crying for help while wanting to withdraw from life and humanity. I'm nothing more than a crying, irresponsible, spoiled infant in an adult sized body.

I wish death was easy. I'd probably have checked out already.

Depression is taking hold of all my senses now. I'm dozing off at my computer and it's only 11:30.

Thanks for listening
JourneyUpward
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Life's a trip: sometimes up, sometimes down but always moving towards another tomorrow. --Me