urgh
its so confusing;
its like... depression tells you that you're just seeing life as it really is, lacking in seretonin makes you see clearly, you see the harsh truth,
and that everything isnt real, you're numb, youre worthless..
you feel nothing and you feel so much pain.
you see reality and you see what isnt.
part of me doesnt want to recover because i dont want to be ignorant enough to see things as being perfect when theyre not, to feel that i shouldnt end my life because of some happy pills that make all my problems feel like theyve faded away while theyre still there, the same part of me wants to so that i dont have to see things like this.
and then the logical part of me says that im thinking like this because im sick, that life should be worth living; look at all these happy people, people that can get on with it, you're sick, just like people with the flu you need to get better.
i just want to sleep, i dont want to be here, especially not right now, not with these thoughts.
my head hurts, i want to cry, i want to sleep.
i just want it all to go away.
and yet at the same time im scared of it doing so.