((((((((everyone)))))))))))

Thanks for your responses. They're very thought-provoking.

I read an article a little while ago on introverts and how they're very easily confused with outcasts, but the difference is that while an introvert will go out of their way to be alone, outcasts don't necessarily want to be by themselves. But people who are less sociable by nature are also more difficult to get to know and understand, so they are often seen as different or defective for not joining with the group.

I don't know if anyone sees me that way. Sometimes I think people probably mistake my natural shyness as being stuck up, but I've gotten past being bothered by that, because if I think about it at all, it just makes me more nervous around people. What I do know is that I don't really like loud people. I can laugh and have fun and I can be very energetic, and maybe this is a result of the depression but I am not that way ALL THE TIME. In fact, I find it exhausting, and the people who are huge party people, who are always being loud and boisterous, who never sit still and who can't handle socializing in calmer contexts are the people I tend to avoid.

I don't really consider myself a loner, though I suppose others might, just from observing the amount of time that I spend alone (if they actually notice). My depression made it very hard for me to get out and make friends in university, and as a result I'm not particularly close to anyone there and tend to spend most of my time on my own. I don't think that's healthy and I'm trying to change it, but it's hard because I feel like now I'm way behind the pack in getting to know people there. I don't mind being alone but I still get lonely, and the loneliness is amplified by the depression, which makes me miserable and unable to be around others, which makes me even lonelier... it's a terrible cycle.

I used to judge myself a lot more harshly for being introverted than I do now (or I'm trying not to judge myself so harshly... it's sort of a work in progress). I have a friend who would always get upset with me if I didn't want to go out every weekend, or if I had made plans to do something she saw boring like spend the weekend in my pj's watching old movies. She never really understood that alone time is especially important to me because my favourite thing to do is write, and that's not exactly a social activity. She just can't understand a person who would go to a coffee shop alone, then sit there in total silence and write for an hour or two, but that's a real treat for me. I started judging myself based on her remarks that I was being "such a loner" and I started feeling different and guilty every time I wanted to be alone over hanging out with her or my friends. Now, I'm trying to remind myself that there's nothing wrong with wanting alone time to balance out my socializing. What I guess I need to work on is the actual balancing part.