thank you all you darling people .

i didnt tell pdoc today, we were too caught up in other stuff. so that's a bit of a bummer, because now i will have to face Austin-T alone next week. but i guess it's also good, because it means i get to take ownership of the outcome either way. even if i don't speak up - that'll still be an outcome based on me.

i... am not sure if Austin-T would even want me if i was willing to be a private client. he is obviously trying to cut back his load, and i happen to be someone who is new and who's medicare sessions are about to run out (just not really - i'm entitled to 18 sessions, but he's not following those last 6 up for me anymore? ). so i don't even know if paying privately would work, because if he was willing to keep me on it'd be nothing to him if the money came through medicare or out of my own pocket (the rate is the same either way, because under medicare i pay the difference).

i have a huge problem asking for things that i want. it took me almost 3 years before i could ask pdoc for an extra emergency session, even though i knew he would clear out his whole schedule at the drop of a hat if i asked him to. so even with the 100% certainty of knowing i could get what i want, i still found it difficult. with Austin-T, there isn't any certainty, and i'm scared and ashamed to ask.

right now, i am thinking... the exam coming up is the most important thing i need to focus on right now. i have an obsessive personality, and i cant afford to obsess about what to do with Austin-T. i am thinking maybe i should cancel next week's session, but i could go to the "exam follow up" session the week after. it would be good for me because that i would know that i did the exam based on my own motivation, and not because someone else helped to get me there. and also because i wouldn't need to have a yucky discussion just before the exam, because that is the sort of thing that would destabilise me anyway. i had been thinking of cancelling with pdoc next week (because we are in really heavy territory atm) but i might keep that option open in case i need to just touch base with someone.

if Austin-T is still interested in seeing me after the exam for the last session then i guess i can discuss things with him then (maybe, if i can muster up enough courage). but he also made it sound like... it was something inconvenient to do (he said we wouldn't book for it, he'd let me know if someone cancelled) so maybe he won't be interested after all. which i guess would be an answer in itself?