no, at the time it was a desperate act with no thought of anything other than the stopping of pain - yep I know how absolutely ridiculous that sounds - but my one brain cell had knocked off for the day.....

I appreciate that people care I really do I am just starting to believe that T may care..does care too thats not why I did it.

It was more to do with me not loving me and not wanting to be with me if - wanting to run away from me..... does that makes any sense to anyone - and thinking that I needed to be punished .... and didnt deserve anything good...... so i guess its a SI thing after all -

So i guess I have answered the question about why I do these things - my buttons are still on self destruct ... now that I know that I can try to change the thoughts andfeelings that set those feelings off - although as you said they are ingrained.... and will take time....

thanks

P7