Hang in there. You can move forward with therapy.

I was not lucky enough to even know these things about myself until over age 50. I wasted most of my life. I firmly believe my life would have been so much better if I'd had the kind of therapy I needed, and the diagnosis that I should have had.

All any of us can do is move forward from where we are. What else can we do, we can't go back. And since there is no blame or shame, we can free ourselves of those bondages and there is hope instead.

I still have 'those' thoughts too. One thing that helped me was when someone said that those thoughts are thoughts that say "how much" pain we are in... "I am in so much pain...". Acceptance that we have those thoughts sometimes, and like all thoughts--they are just thoughts--and don't have to be acted upon.