Once again I sit here as black letters go across a white screen, and I wonder if this will say what we need it to say or if it will make any sense at all. The night full in darkness and our heart pounding in fear. A fear that we cannot describe. And what words can we say to let anyone understand what we are feeling.

Our heart feels as though it is broken and trust seems so far from us. Where are our tears--where are our words. Sometimes they fill me and spill everywhere--sometimes they almost sink somewhere within and are lost. And I battle to keep them surfaced long enough to reach out before they quickly disappear.

Weeks and days seem to pass, but within the time repeats over and over in our head. Their faces never disappear--their touch ever present. And our mind terrified to let go--to dare to remember it all. Can we even rest at all? Can anyone care or hear us? Our silent screams fall on deaf ears for no one can hear or even know we are there.

Head heavy with exhaustion and eyes burning from tears that go unshed. A mask worn so no one knows we feel weak. A smile to hide what we are feeling within. Do not tell--do not let anyone in. A wall is up--high. Quiet without--so loud within. Writing so someone knows we are here.

Feeling like the world is so big, yet we are so small. Yet at other times, a feeling of everything is so small and we are so big. Floating away--cannot feel our body--detached wondering if we are really connected at all. Arms feeling like they are backwards and head is floating above it all. But never escaping the fear engulfing you. It is everywhere.

And seeping through are the memories and thoughts--and feelings you do not even understand. How can anyone else understand? How can you tell anyone when you cannot even tell yourself? And all you can do is reach out silently and hope something you say will tell something from within. For words sometimes disappear or never existed or cannot exist at all.

Crying from within so no one sees. Needing to let down--but knowing you cannot. Will it ever end? Will the fear ever subside? Over and over feelings hit you and you remember. That day, that place, and safety snatched away once again. And as you shake and a tear rolls across your face--and no one is here to see or know--you find a way to shut back down before the morning light comes back. To paint on that smile once again.

It wears you out as much it hurts. But the pain is yours to carry--the hurt is yours to carry--the thoughts are yours to carry--and it is heavy--but no one can do this for you. And you trudge onward--scared of failing and falling so deep. Like in a dark well--and the bottom never seems to come--but the darkness echoes on. And fear grows but you try to hang on--maybe one more time.

And within you scream----------------------------------------------.