My Support Forums - View Single Post

eskielover · Jul 04, 2009, 03:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by knothead

I've been wanting to ask this for some time now, so here goes.

When someone is getting on your case about something, or you're feelings are hurt by someone, do any of you get an urge to show them your scars? Kind of like "Oh yeah, well look at this! See what I do to myself!"

Luckily, for some reason, I have toughened up through the years & my feelings hardly ever get hurt by people anymore.....at least it's something I haven't experienced in a very very long time.

However when someone gets on my case (which also very rarely happens also...but is something that just happened not too long ago), I look at what they have said.....I sit back for a few days & think on it.....put my thoughts together. In this last case, it was a matter of crossing boundaries that had no place being crossed. I decided rather than to confront on the phone or in person, I wrote an email (I used to write letters before email) telling them what I felt & that I didn't want my thoughts to be interrupted by emotions, thus the email.......but that boundaries had been crossed that weren't acceptable in friendship situations.......understanding how when someone takes much time to think they have come up with a solution to your problems, they think it is the only answer, but to demand it being the answer verse a suggestion is going too far......then to turn that demand into other attacks they know nothing about is going way too far.

Basically, when someone does that, they are usually full of problems themselves that need to be approached & boundaries need to be set. If they aren't comfortable with the boundaries, then I don't need them as friends......even though I am more than willing to work at the relationship....it takes both sides to be willing & both sides need to have respect for each other.

No, I don't show wounds.....it doesn't make any difference in reality......what makes a difference is how we relate to each other with respect. Showing scars of what we do to ourself does nothing for keeping a respectful relationship. There are some things we keep to ourselves unless it is to help someone else who is struggling with the same issues & it is used in that way........the only thing that is important when someone gets on your case & hurts your feelings is to put the whole thing into perspective & set up your boundaries that have been overstepped.......if they are willing to accept your boundaries, then you can allow them back into your life....otherwise.....bye......or they will only continue to do it. We don't need people in our lives who treat us that way.

Obviously, there may be some truth in what they are saying or it might not hurt so bad......it is important to take the things that are truth & look at them & see what they actually mean in your life & whether they are something you can do anything about or even want to do anything about.......but the bottom line is you don't need people who are hurting you around you constantly & they need to know that the way they are presenting the information to you is hurtful.....there are many nice ways of helping a person without hurting them....you can give them the same information in a nice way so they can take it helpfully......if they don't want to adapt their ways to be non-hurtful to you.....you don't need them either.....as they will only do more harm than good.

Bottom line is that it does no good to get in a p*$$*ng contest on what hurt more.....what is important is to deal with the facts & the relationship groundrules that you can live with.....let go of all the rest & concentrate on that.....either making it so the relationship is acceptable....or end the relationship.

This is what I found I had to do in life to survive.....hope there is a little something here that might help you also.

Debbie