So I havnt SI'd for a while - dont know how long - disassociating a lot - losing track of time an place - but ... and you knew there would be one

Ok, let's take this step by step...
First...
Thank you for the COURAGE & STRENGTH to post. THIS IS HARD STUFF and you did not intentionally put yourself in harms way. Yes, there may be one b/c that is what triggers are all about and at maybe if at least for me I can give myself a break and realize that this is not a black and white straight line...there will be turns that I can give myself a break and not be so hard on myself...I think the same applies to you...give yourself credit for what you have done and regardless of what your head is telling you ~ you are not a failure, bad, hopeless etc...b/c you reacted, you are still in action and trying...you posted and talked to your T, that is forward motion to get better...

I put myself in harms way - it was a way around my agreement to T not to hurt myself - I thought hey if someone else does it then I havnt broken my word dumb dumb dumbdumb and did I say ,,, dumb...

You are not DUMB!!! You reacted...but my friend your actions are far from DUMB - they are actions...please stop judging them. If you could have done something else you would have, but in the moment this was the best you could do...

I told T - he was angry at my behavoiur but not at me and it ended up ok cos I wasnt hurt.....

maybe I was just trying to say SEE T look how bad I really am now you can leave as I know you will.....

I do that to and I have had a therapist leave (long story) so it's hard. Wanting to push them away, but listen to what he is saying and the actions that he is taking to help you. Maybe what you are more afraid of, and this was true for me was that I was going to leave. That I am going to quit and give up on myself so that in order to keep it safe I try to get my therapist to quit. It takes so much time and energy that now I am able to say, I want to quit, I want you to give up on me and tell me I am untreatable but I want more to move forward.

I know I wanted to prove I wasnt a coward cos I ran when I was attacked a long time ago......

But I also wanted.... well I guess you can guess what I wanted...

T says I did it cos I hate myself and he's right - but how do you stop.....
he says dispute what I have taken to be facts and that he sees a good eperson and I said thats because you dont know me.....

I keep cycling through this... why cant I just let it go....

b/c cycling through is what you need to do. If it were that simple to let go of therapy would be easy and it's not. So cycle through and letting go takes time, takes steps, it's not black and white. Maybe in time you will find yourself letting go of parts of it and other times needing it. Your experiences, feelings and trauma is not like a car, ok ~ done with that ~ ready to buy a new one.

I am sad and ashamed at how stupid my behaviour was...... maybe if someone reads this it will show them this is NOT the way to go - dunno..... its ok to read and NOT reply.