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As much as I want to do that, I'm a planner, and I feel better after rehearsing conversations with her in my head.
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Have you explored this? Do you think it is connected to wanting to feel in control? Or worrying about how you 'sound'? Or some negative reaction/feeling T might have? What is it about 'rehearsing' that makes you feel better? What does thinking about *not* planning and *not* rehearsing bring up.. about you, about T?
So much to explore!
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I tell myself that I am being very open with her, as far as telling her just about everything I can, but it's that 'just about' that's getting me.
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Yes! Me too. I think, in session, that I'm being open and honest and then when I leave and chuck off my armor (that I didn't know I had on) I sometimes am very aggravated with myself for fooling myself into thinking I was being open and honest. Often on the way home I get repeatedly poked by my thoughts that I held back. .... Holding back. she knows I do, she sees it as it happens.. I know it too, but it seems to be beyond my ability to stop doing it and I often don't even know what it is I'm holding back.
And, yes yes yes to the idealizing mother figures and especially T!!
