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scotlandskye · Jul 04, 2009 at 05:31 PM

Ever feel lost and like there is nowhere to go? That you have no one? Like there is no one that you can turn to that will understand? You try to think of something that you can do, but what is there? Nothing! You have friends but you don’t have friends! All your friends are either married and with their spouses, or they are out with their other friends and you don’t feel like you fit in! You have your cousin, but you don’t even feel like you fit in there. You feel like it is an effort to even make or take part in a converstaion. What would you say? You don’t follow politics and could care less for the most part. You try to keep up with what is going on in the world, but when it comes to converstaion you feel like your worthless or stupid and have nothing to say. Then you worry that people are just going to look at you and think “what is this loser doing here” she can’t open her mouth and she has nothing intelligent to say.” Why be subject to that. Or you feel like everyone is staring at you for whatever reason. So instead you sit in your house ALONE with nothing to do. You have managed to throw in a load of laundry and change the sheets. You looked through the ads in the paper. You had a beer. Now what? Dinner your not really hungry! Even though you did stop by the store to get something for dinner, but now you don’t want it or don’t feel like cooking. You know that there are so many things that need to be done, but can’t get them done or have the energy to do them.

You can’t help but to sit here and think about all the things that you DON”T need to think about. You know that it isn’t making you feel any better, but yet that is where your mind goes. Oh maybe I will have another beer, but yet you know that isn’t the smart thing to do either. Oh look at these cuts I did on my arm maybe I will do that. Oh look there is a bottle of pills lets take some of those! What was I thinking to see about getting new meds and talking to someone I find myself asking? Will I really go through with it? I have tried it before. Yeah it was nice to have someone to talk to, but it didn’t do me any good then, so why will it do me any good now? I get to a certain point and stop. If I feel any type of emotion I stop. I don’t want to be viewed as crazy or wow this lady is pretty screwed up. I feel like there are things that I can do to prevent this and and rack my brain over and over again trying to figure out what it is, but I can’t. Did I do something in my past to cause this? Did I do something wrong? Was I meant to be alone the rest of my life? Will I ever be happy again? Will anyone be able to love me and look past my depression or will I be marked as “don’t go near”?
Just want to hide in a dark place……….
(kind of long I know...sorry...just started typing

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