sunny - you are right, and no i don't think you are being pushy (or - i really appreciate it if you are ). Austin-T calls these my "obsessive ruminations", and i'd never heard of that term before, but it makes a lot of sense to my experience just to have a name for it and to know it is a pattern that i engage in when i get stressed. i am going to ask pdoc for an earlier appt if he can squeeze me in, because i really do think i need someone outside of my head to help me out with this. i know going to Austin-T would be the best thing to do (insofar as direct communication is best), but i'm also worried that i will get really upset about it afterwards and obsess about it more after the session, and i have an exam i should be studying for instead.

right now i think i need some reassurance from pdoc and a bit of outside perspective to help me stop this crazy-making cycle of thought. i am thinking i will cancel my session with Austin-T this week (so i can avoid having a possible "final" session just before my exam, which would make me majorly upset) and i will try to see him next week (after exam) instead and clarify things then.

(((p7 & reflection))) - yes, i will try to be direct with Austin-tgp-T . thank you for reminding me reflection that not everyone kicks you in the guts if you show that you are vulnerable. P7 i will take you with me in my pocket, and you can karate chop Austin if he is a meany-poo. and i will do the same for you when you ask your T, too.

gosh, just want to say thank you all so much for sticking with me and trying to help me see clearly with this. i think the message is finally sinking in . i will try to talk to Austin-T directly, but i think it will be best if i do this next week rather than just before a big exam. i am hyper hyper hyper sensitive to rejection and have missed previous exams when i have thought old-T was rejecting me, so it's something i need to avoid right now, but something i will deal with in a week's time.

does this sound ok?