Dreamseeker and ECHOES: I so, so relate to what you said about planning sessions and fantasizing about them ahead of time. I used to do that all the time! The problem is, like you've said, that when I'd have my session, it would never be as good as my fantasy session. I never cry in therapy, and in a lot of my fantasy sessions I would cry and then my T would comfort me. Or I would have some sort of breakdown or break through, or something very emotional would happen. But, I never let that happen during my actual session. I was too controlled.

As far as having an agenda, my T said it was okay to have notes but she always told me that it would be better just to see where the session goes, not to plan it. That was scary for me, but it was productive sometimes. Other times I felt I had to stick to my agenda.

When I did this "rehearsing" ahead of time, I would try to be realistic, but most of the time it would end up in some "soap opera" type fantasy anyway! That made for some disappointing sessions. Sometimes, though, when I least expected it, a session would turn out to be as good as my fantasy, even though it never involved crying or being comforted by my T.

Now that I see my T only a few times a year, I still talk to her in my head. I think about what she would say to me if I called her, or had a session. I read my notes to see her words to me. I try not to fantasize about sessions that will never happen, as it's too painful for me. Instead, I think about the good, connected sessions where I felt close to my T and where we accomplished a lot. Since I don't have has as much in person, it's GOT to be in my head.