The feeling won't go

After last night, i feel more and more erratic, i can't concentrate on anything, im useless....im shaking i feel pain but i like that pain
its the hell that makes me feel safe.

How wrong does that sound?? not knowing what im going to do or say next make myself on edge.
he want to talk about it tomorrow when he see's me.....but talking about it is going to be worse than the hell....i dont see the point i just hurts...

feeling this excitment and this mania i relapsed, a trigger, it caught me, swallowed me whole, and ate my soul it spat that out and now its in a box just terrified of everything.

What am i ment to do now....im all over the place and i can't get out!