Sarah,

I am glad you were able to get what you did from this post. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your response. Your words explain it all so perfectly. I was hoping that others would be able to experience the feeling of freedom that come from not dwelling on our problems & allowing ourselves to feel good by focusing our thoughts on something other than the issues that are hurting us. I realize how much I needed a break from the problems that are bothering me. They can own my nightmeres, my times of panic attacks & depersonalization, but if I can just get a break from it during the time I have control over, then I will be able to at least have a time that I can feel good. I have found the more I feel good even with my horses, the more other things I am open to that help me feel good (not just my horses).

As people, we are able to have bad & good habits. It is all in what we want to practice doing & feeling that determines which will be in control of our lives. I understand your concept of keeping the problem or situation lit 24/7. I realize I was doing that quite well. I thought if the police were able to catch the RN, I would need to remember everything that happened. I don't want others to have the same experience. If I can warn people about what happened, maybe others won't go through a similar trauma. I was in the same hospital as my Mother. I was with her 24/7 for 3 weeks while she was dying. They put me into the same ward as she was in when I collapsed from exhaustion, anemia & mal nutrition....the visions were there...how could I forget. I keep having to go back to her house to clear it out in order to sell it...the visions of of the trauma, those 5 days, flood back into my senses everytime I step into the house...how can I forget.....I hate it when I feel like what happened to me is being trivialized. It wasn't just the ID theft, credit card theft, or the stealing of all the jewelry. I was afraid for my life...I mean, what might the RN do in order to protect herself . She OD'ed my Mother on Morphine, what might she do against me so I couldn't talk. She already followed me once...what else could she do. But I realize now that these things are there....they are part of me, but I don't have to dwell on them 24/7. They are going to haunt me at times, but I am entitled to feel free & good at other times. I guess this is what my Pdoc meant when he said that I found my way out of depression the last time without meds or therapy, I would have to do it for myself this time too.

I found it fascinating that in a book I read after posting this, it supported the point I was trying to make with this post. The important thing to remember is that focusing & struggling with our problems make them worse. By dwelling on them we feed them & give them energy. When we choose to find something other than our problems to focus on & the more we do that, the stronger our ability becomes to reconnect us to what can be good in our lives. It is impossible to eliminate problems from our lives, & it does not mean that we do not need professional help to learn how to handle them in the context of our lives, but it is what we do with them that makes the difference. The more we can place our attention onto something, anything, that makes us feel better, the better we will become at being the master rather than the victim of our problems.

I am still enjoying the ability to feel good mentally even though my physical self pays a price for it. It is a wonderful feeling that I have allowed myself to feel between the bad times. It doesn't make the bad go away....it just allows me not to feel that way all the time. It is amazing that the more I feel good, the more I want to feel good & try to find other things that will add to that good feeling. It doesn't come overnight, & it doesn't have to be a passion that we throw ourselves into....it can be any little thing that makes us smile or chuckle.

I love your last sentence....it sums it all up perfectly.

Thank you for your awsome input,
Debbie