Hello, I am new to this forum.

I have suffered from chronic, treatment-resistant depression for over 25 years (I am 42, female, never married, childless). I'm fortunate in that I am able to maintain a public mask and function at a decent job. But, after working late (of course never really wanting to go home and deal with myself) and over the weekends, I confine myself to a very sad and pathetic and asocial existence. I have no social life and no love life and am distant from all family members.

I distinctly remember at the age of 26, one of my siblings was having a child and I made a deliberate internal promise to myself to never develop close relationships with any of my nieces and nephews (and for that matter, my sisters and brothers).

Why? Well I figured it would be horrible to foster a relationships with my n&ns - it wouldnt healthy for them. I'm certainly not a role model, and didn't want them to form any bond with me mainly because I didn't want them to feel sadness (or for myself to feel more guilt) IF, in the future. I did decide to permanently get rid myself.

You see, at the age of 23 I did develop a very detailed suicide plan but never acted on it (and FYI - I'm NOT presently thinking of it either). One of the things that stopped me from carrying anything out at that time was the (crazy but true) comforting thought that although at that moment I was in so much pain, maybe it would get better, that I could try - And, knowing that if my world and my life remained as it was (a life filled with such pain, self hate, feeling/seeing life just passing me by), that my plan would still be viable and I could carry it out (knowing that I had tried, and that no work on my part, including various therapies/medication cocktails could help).

I'm just curious if anybody else has done something like this -- purposefully not developing relationships because you may want an "out" at a later time and don't want to get to close to anyone- don't want to hurt them.

Thanks for reading.