What I need is someone to tell me why this is not a good idea....

These seem like wise words: My 'logical' self is saying that the better course of action is to leave it alone.

Even though I have been guilty of doing harm to my husband (despite the fact he is unaware of the affair) that does not give my ex-lover the right to treat me in such a disrespectful manner--what he did was wrong.

Do you think it might be possible you're displacing your anger, judgements, etc. at your self onto your ex-lover? You do seem to have an awareness that his behavior mirrors aspects of your own. I'm not saying as much to make you feel bad, rather, I think it's possible these feelings in you might help you to empathize with your husband and reconnect to him. For example, the things you long for from your ex-lover may be the things your husband longs for from you.

It's also been my observation that even if you don't say anything, partners know that something has come into the space between you, even if they don't know precisely what it is.

No doubt you will feel yourself going back and forth on many aspects of your former relationship and feel some intense conflicts at times but since your desire is to return to your marriage, maybe when you begin thinking of your ex-lover you could refocus your attention on the space that exists between you and your husband. If you were going to dress attractively for your ex-lover; do it now for your husband. If you were going to compliment your ex-lover; do it now for your husband. If you were going to go out of your way to take care of an errand for your ex-lover; do this now for your husband. That might allow you to productively re-invest your energies in where you want to be.

~ Namaste