thank you, (((((rainbow, fool, P7 & indie))))).

i am so exhausted right now. it's funny how i've been so "up" the past few days (anxiety, i guess) and now that things are semi-solved (for the time being) i just feel so exhausted.

pdoc said he really doubted Austin-T was dumping me and i shouldn't worry about it. but pdoc doesn't know the whole story about the promotion, and i didnt tell him (not gonna break a promise), but i kept insisting that Austin-T really is not letting me back so pdoc said he would suss things out with Austin-T and report back on Friday (when i see pdoc next). he also agreed that it was a good idea to avoid this week's session if i was just going to obsess about it afterwards, but then i started worrying about how exactly to cancel (what time? what to say? do i want his voicemail or to talk to him in person? etc) and pdoc was like "holy moley, crazy girl, slow down!!". and he offered to cancel for me. and being the absolute coward that i am, i agreed to let him take over .

i also found time to stress about whether pdoc was leaving the hospital, or making a career change, or... something. and pdoc reassured me that he wasn't and i was stuck with him like rust.

this is the first time i've ever ever ever addressed abandonment issues with pdoc (we've been doing this recently, after i disclosed about the CSA), and i guess Austin-T leaving just made it into a mega flareup. i know i'm being hypersensitive and on the lookout for the slightest sign of retreat, but it's so painful to be honest about how deep an issue it is for me. it's taken me 4 years to even admit it was a problem, afterall.

anyway. shall update on friday!!! you can untwist your fingers now so long as they snap back together come friday morning. but i'm more relaxed about the outcome now, because it'll be pdoc doing the explaining, and i know he is very gentle.