Both those posts (AAAAA and SE) are immensely helpful to me. I feel like I am finding the support and insights (this and private msg support) I was seeking when I came onto this board. There is so much truth here and an abundance of constructive advice, criticisms and possible explanations and angles!

That last post by SE with the reference in it--wow! That is right on. Combine that initial attraction (to my inner animus) with a fantasy built on top to smooth over the cracks and I think that looks about right.

AAAAA: I do recognize that I have a vulnerability and the need to address it, but somehow I am reluctant (very) to go there. I couldn't even say why...