dotbar: That last post by SE with the reference in it--wow! That is right on. Combine that initial attraction (to my inner animus) with a fantasy built on top to smooth over the cracks and I think that looks about right.

Animus projection tends to be involved in many opposite sex relationships. What happens is you carry an inner image of "the ideal male" within you. When you encounter someone in your world who possesses some characteristics in common with your animus, that can be enough for your animus to be projected and then, held in place by the anchors of those common characteristics. Because the other possesses qualities and characteristics that you desire for yourself, partnering with them in some capacity can bring you a sense of wholeness and completeness.

One of two things seems to happen at some point:

1: You begin to integrate qualities/characteristics of the individual you have partnered with. In turn, this strengthens your anima/animus although it may weaken your "romantic attraction" to the partner, perhaps ushering in a new stage of mature love wherein all illusions have been set aside and you finally see your partner for the person they are, not the projected fantasy.

2: The partner who serves as a screen for your projection does something inconsistent or out of character with the image you carry and the projection can no longer be held. At that point, you fall "out" of love and may wonder what you ever saw in them in the first place.

No doubt, your husband once served as the screen for your animus projection and later, your lover. You likely served as a screen for their own anima projection as well. So too, your ex-lover's new lover likely shares some characteristics in common with you because both of you serve as the screen for this man's anima projection. Part of the purpose of relationships with other people seems to be a means of bringing us into union with disowned aspects of our self.

As part of your own healing and recovery you may find it helpful to explore the role of the animus as a means of understanding your relationships with both these men and deepening your understanding of your self and your own motivations.

~ Namaste

See also: The Anima and Animus