You are hurting , whether this intense suffering is a result of your own behaviour or of uncontrollable environmental elements is irrelevant; suffering is suffering. You frequently voice that your life is is indeed a living hell and that may be valid, the only solution is that YOU change your life.

Get involved, get a T and get a pdoc and start a recovery process, you cant threaten that you are indeed going to hurt yourself, that is not fair on you and it is not fair on those, and there are many here that care about you. It would be most disappointing to them.

I dont for a second diminsh the pain you are experiencing but there are more effective and safe methods of confronting that pain than cutting a gash in your arm which will lead you no where.

Getting help isnt easy and it takes commitment and trust, you can do that, and you will do that.

You will get better.