Quote:
Originally Posted by spiritual_emergency
dotbar: That last post by SE with the reference in it--wow! That is right on. Combine that initial attraction (to my inner animus) with a fantasy built on top to smooth over the cracks and I think that looks about right.
Animus projection tends to be involved in many opposite sex relationships. What happens is you carry an inner image of "the ideal male" within you. When you encounter someone in your world who possesses some characteristics in common with your animus, that can be enough for your animus to be projected and then, held in place by the anchors of those common characteristics. Because the other possesses qualities and characteristics that you desire for yourself, partnering with them in some capacity can bring you a sense of wholeness and completeness.
One of two things seems to happen at some point:
1: You begin to integrate qualities/characteristics of the individual you have partnered with. In turn, this strengthens your anima/animus although it may weaken your "romantic attraction" to the partner, perhaps ushering in a new stage of mature love wherein all illusions have been set aside and you finally see your partner for the person they are, not the projected fantasy.
2: The partner who serves as a screen for your projection does something inconsistent or out of character with the image you carry and the projection can no longer be held. At that point, you fall "out" of love and may wonder what you ever saw in them in the first place.
No doubt, your husband once served as the screen for your animus projection and later, your lover. You likely served as a screen for their own anima projection as well. So too, your ex-lover's new lover likely shares some characteristics in common with you because both of you serve as the screen for this man's anima projection. Part of the purpose of relationships with other people seems to be a means of bringing us into union with disowned aspects of our self.
As part of your own healing and recovery you may find it helpful to explore the role of the animus as a means of understanding your relationships with both these men and deepening your understanding of your self and your own motivations.
~ Namaste
See also: The Anima and Animus
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When I chose my husband as my spouse, it wasn't according to the same criteria with which I chose my lover. I was young (18 at the time) and a single mother of a 1 year old. I was 1 year out of a 2 year dysfunctional relationship that had done me a lot of damage so I decided I would choose a good, dependable, solid man---and that's exactly what I got. Unfortunately our sex life is the one weakness. I am the only woman he has ever been with and sex has always been awkward and just not good. My husband is very much like a best friend. We have loads of common interests and I enjoy his company. He doesn't represent my animus in the same way my lover did. I think that is the bereavement I am feeling--kind of a version of a loss of part of myself. (But that method [adultery] of finding wholeness wasn't without its limitations and frustrations either...) The good news I have gleaned from the article (and actually another site which said much the same thing in a different way...) is that I can provide that missing element myself by developing those things within me!