Hi. I am new here. I was amazed to read entries on post traumatic stress syndrome. I've been diagnosed as having ptsd. I often get angry with myself that abuse that happened years ago has such a hold on me now. I have a dissociative disorder and feel as though the emotional numbing that goes with it has sometimes taken over my life. I don't seem to care about anything or feel motivated. I have flashbacks and nightmares again, and yet, for years I functioned pretty well. I didn't start remembering the abuse until several years ago. I have just started to see a new t and it makes me nervous because I'm afraid to go there again. The flashbacks and nightmares are as fresh as when I was having them in the beginning, only I have remembered more details. I wonder if all of this will just go away permanently some day or if there will always be triggers that bring it all back. I hide from the world most of the time. I don't feel like the same person that I once was. I don't know if that is good or badl. Sometimes, when I am here alone, I've had this smell just overwhelm me. And I know that it sounds nuts.. However, I also know that it is connected to the abuse, and try as I may I cannot remember. When it happens I am just overwhelmed to the point where I'm frozen and can't do anything. I grow tired of living my life with such a detachment, or numbing, or whatever, I don't know. And the worst part of it all is that my family doesn't even know who I am or how I feel. I can't tell them because they would only say "you should have been over that a long time ago". And I think to myself, and get angry with myself because, yes, I should be over all of this by now. But the old ways of self protection are so firmly in place that I feel trapped and alone and unable to be who I am. I'm not even sure who that is anymore. It is all I can do to deal with the flashbacks and the nightmares. It seems to consume me. It's like going back to another place, another time, where all you feel is pain and confusion and shame. So, anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on so much. I'm still trying to just understand. I've met several nice people here and wish that more were in the chat room. I'm glad that I found this place.