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I have made the decision to give up. Why?? Seems like the right thing to do. The last month has been a roller coster for me and one that seems to keep going down and no hills up. I was lucky to have someone that cared and was willing to help me. They even went to my psycharist appt with me. Now I'm afraid because I don't have anyone else to turn to that will understand that I have run them off. Yet I know deep down that is not really ture, or hope not. I know that they have their life and family and is going through their own things like currently looking for a job. I don't know why I think I can turn to them all the time with every little thought and expect them to be there. I'm just hurting myself. they are the ones that pushed me in the direction to get help again. I don't knwo if I did it for them or me. them would be my guess. because now that I haven't talked to them and haven't gotten responses from text it isn't for me because I want to give up. I feel like if I don't have that person there and on my side I can't go on. Maybe I'm being clingy and needy I don't know. I don't mean to be or want to be. Mabye they were only being nice and doing it so that I would get help and would leave them alone?? There is always a reason someone does something. I should know that by now. What was I thinking?
I sent this person a text over the weekend about thoughts I had about cutting myself and where. not your typically arms, legs etc. I'm afraid I totally freaked them out. I don't know where the thoughts came from and or why. They must think I'm some sort of sick person.
Today at work I was ok, but once I got home I went straight to my bed and laid down. got up after a couple of hours and ate somthing. Talked to my mom who told me I need ot make sure I don't sit in the hosue all day. If she only knew how hard that is to do at times. I have the next two days off and I dont' feel like doing anything. I going to call tomorrow to cancel my two dr's appts for the following week. I can't do this. I need to accept the fact that this is the life I was dealt and this is the way that it is going to be and I just need to learn to adjust and live with it. There is never going to be anyone but me! No one to understand, no one to hold me when I just want to be held and told it will be ok. I don't nothing but chase people away. I want things I can't have. It is like I need something or someone in my life to make me think my life is worth something? why does that sound so bad when I say it?
I don't know what I was thinking when I thought that I could do this and that I could be happy. When I was little and growing up and I perfectly fine with being by myself, but now that I'm older I can't stand it.
I'm done complaining and going back under my covers the only place that I feel I belong and where I'm safe.
Sorry for yet another long meaningless post
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