What do you say when everything is turning and nothing seems to be okay. When it seems so dark and again words seem a million miles away yet there somewhere needing to be said. Wondering if you make sense at all and if anyone is listening or even wants to hear. But you write hoping something will start, someone will know you are here, someone will hear you and you won't be alone.

I feel so scared and afraid to reach. Even though I know that if I do not it could be the end. What is happiness? Where can we find it? Can words really reach out to tell someone what we feel and what we need to say? Can what we don't say be heard as between the lines so many times is where the real pain is. Somewhere in what we cannot seem to find the words to say.

Knowing that people care and are here for us, feels that we are in the wrong to say the things we feel. Seems so ungrateful for us to write at times. But yet if we do not--we push everything back up inside and hide from everyone. That hurts even more as then we are alone and hurting ourselve more. Sometimes, burying ourselves away in the darkness and crying silent tears seems to be the only way to make it through the night.

Darkness seems to last forever and the day never seems to come back. And even right now--the day seems dark. Fear seems to be lurking all around. And we are afraid to be seen or heard. Why is it so hard to open up? To reach for a hand or to let go of the pain. We can write about it and post--but it feels as though the pain is ripping us from the inside. And our heart is tearing apart.

Does the pain ever stop? Does the feelings ever go away? Can we ever be whole again? Feeling helpless and alone are so real. Even though there are people around--I feel so alone. We all do. The tears are gone right now and feels like they are stolen once again. Trying to be strong and courageous is really hard. Sometimes death feels the only way out yet that feels so scary.

Many thoughts go through our mind. Sometimes my head hurts from thinking yet never uttering a spoken word. Sometimes it is from all the voices that seem to need time, yet I am afraid to hear what they have to say. Afraid to be heard, I shut down and say nothing. Become so quiet that no one knows. Trying to paint on a mask but the colors run together to where you cannot tell. And the mask gets so heavy that it is hard to hold up any longer.

I just want to cry and let it out. But I cannot seem to do that. I am scared. Afraid that that is weakness. For some reason, this need to be strong overpowers everything. But in that my weakness hides me from getting help. And I feel like I am failing again. I am scared and unsure right now. I fear myself and what is happening. Will it ever stop? Will I ever feel safe again?

dps