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Jul 07, 2009, 12:41 AM
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...and considering T isn't around, you guys are the lucky winners.
From the time I was young, I have had a part of me that I have been at odds with since it's conception. This part, seems to have a fascination with tormenting me and causing me pain. This is on top of being a satanist.
Now, I'm not exactly a religious person, but I'm also not the type of person to risk these things either. It's distressful (which is the point I suppose). One night I was thinking to myself that these thoughts (that deal with satanism at least)...may not be a part at all, but rather a very well ingrained intrusive thought. Such freedom I felt, like a river flowing through my body. It was comforting to think that way. And who knows...? Either way it could very well be true.
The relationship is mostly built on hate and distrust. I know it's not a good thing, but I'm not exactly going to love someone who is constantly wanting to cause pain. (she has in fact stated that is her very purpose) Nor do I want to ignore her, intrusive thought or not...those are some pretty dangerous thoughts being spewed spiritually speaking. After so many years...I am just so sick of it, all the fighting in what seems to be a battle for both my soul and my sanity. I have been driven to the point of near madness before with this one. On a level, I think it'd be best if we were integrated so to speak...but at the same time I think if god and heaven and hell really exist out there then my fate wouldn't be a pleasant one.
She's not pure evil though...at least I don't think so. Expressing that the reason why she does well, what she does, is because she hates herself and wishes to suffer, and is pretty desperate to be loved by me. How can I possibly bring myself to love a part of me who desires to hurt herself and everyone else here?! My compassion has it's limits, I'm only human here.
Just...gah 
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