I just got back from the store. I went out just to get out of the house because I can't take it anymore. I rode around not really sure of where I was going! I ended up in a bad neighborhood and I secertly wished that somehting would have happened to me while driving through there. I made it out safely and I stopped at the store to get something to drink and popcorn. I walk out of the store with the drink, the popcorn, a pack or razor blades and a bottle of pills. The two things that I resort to. Pills have always been in my past so to speak when I get depressed. Not that they do anything and not sure why I do it. The cutting is something that started with the bout of depression. I did it back in 98/99 with broken pieces of glass that I found on the street. Never did again until now.

Now I'm sitting here trying not to break open that pack of blades and or the bottle. I took a handful of pills last night. I dn't know what I took or how many. I'm still here. I sent an email to a friend of mine bascially writting them out of my life. DIdn't want to but felt I had to for their sake. It was the one person that could understand what I'm going through.

Now I have no one and the urges to cut and do pills are very strong. What would it hurt if I did it? No one, but maybe me? No I"m not gaining anything or am I losing anything.

I know I shouldn't and I'm trying....it is going to be a struggle but all I can do is try.....