first off i'd like to ask how many of you that have depression/mental illness currently believe in god, heaven and hell. i feel like if i thought my lfie had some meaning, the desire to end it wouldnt be so great.

i dont know what to do.
because i think life is over already.
im dead, im just on autopilot and struggling; like a plane thats lost its pilot and is heading straight down for a very painful crash.

im a little scared that there could be a hell, that something bad would happen to me.. god, what a selfish ***** i am.
but when i die, everything will stop.
or will it get worse?
worrying makes me want to do it more... ive pretty much decided that it ends but theres just that fear... im living in enough fear.
theres a page - http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ - i read it most evenings, it helps me to quieten the thoughts about doing "it" quite so much.

"That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could."

the weights part i get...
i seem to be weaker than others in supporting them though.. but i can't help that.
life doesnt feel real.
its like a nightmare, the dream kind, not the metaphor.
it literally is like im dreaming, just a really bad dream.
its like my head doesnt register things properly, i'm asleep, im not really here.
this doesnt exist really.
nothing seems to.
its just all black.
yknow when they had that scare about a black hole engulfing the whole world? just six-ish months ago?
i longed for it to happen... i haddnt really thought about suicide much back then, but i wanted it to be over. i wasnt so desperate for it to be, i just wanted it to stop.
i keep having to tell myself that i'm sick. stupid, i know. but i need to remind myself that clinically depressed me and the "real" me are not the same thing.
maybe i'm just kidding myself.
maybe i'll never get better.
i was defeated a long time ago.

you can overdose on nightol, the chemical kind... i have some in my room "to help me sleep" and my parents put all the other pills out of reach... but i think i need to give this box to my parents too.
i think... im not coping as well.
i keep putting up my happy front... then making excuses to be alone and crying.
i sat and stared at my wall for over an hour today, doing absolutely nothing, pushing those thoughts away...
but they've come back now.
i wish i could hide forever.
i wish i didnt have to live.
they euthanize people legally in some countries.
i dont get how this suffering is not as great as that of someone who is dying; its a different kind of pain but its still unbearable.
its making life not worth living.
why can't i just...
ugh
i dont know.
i really dont know.
i just want it to stop.


i wish i wasnt depressed.
i wish i wasnt here.
but i will be here tomorrow;
probably the day after,
and the day after that.
maybe some time ill be here by choice.
maybe one day i will want to be here.



its like giving a poor man money,
a starving man food,
a lonely man company.

the people that have it already forget that they do, its just a part of their lives and they've never been without.
but its when you have that part missing - happiness - that you feel the importance of it.
why cant i have it?