Friday night, my youngest son's "adopted" daughter came to stay the night with me. We went shopping, originally, to buy her a swim suit so she could go swimming here. It turned out to be quite a bit more than that, but we were both having a blast! Sometime during the "shopping spree," I recognized some of the old feelings I had when my daughter and I went out together: the feelings of what it should have felt like to be that age (12), having someone sort of to show me how it should have been and actually feeling the freedom and satisfaction of being 12. All time time, I knew that in some way, I was reliving the times my daughter and I used to have and maybe just a little bit better because of my experience since she cut me out of her life eight years ago this July 4th.

Yesterday morning, right before waking up, I had a dream. The kind that comes from your subconscious to help you work out hidden emotions. As you may remember, Jerry (hubby) pulls "disappearing acts" once in a while when he just doesn't want to deal with what's going on between us. In my dream, he had pulled one of those. I was at a small group gathering when I saw him come through the door. His hair was wet, which gave me to know that he had been in town. In my dream, it seemed that there was some doubt as to where he had stayed in town or left for parts unknown.

My "adopted" granddaughter came up behind me and told me that Jerry had a new girlfriend and that she and her three kids were with him. All of them appeared in front of me, doing a line dance. The girlfriend wasn't very good looking (thank goodness LOL) She had mousy brown hear and an ugly hook nose. Again, my adopted granddaughter approached me with two other little kids. I kept telling her to stay away from me! I didn't want her physically close to me, as if I had something to fear from her. She was just trying to give me what she thought was needed information about Jerry and what he was doing.

She wouldn't leave me alone so I got up to leave and she tried repeatedly to stop me. When we came to the door, she wedged herself between the door and me. In my dream, she faded in and out going from being Cheyenne to being Karla, my daughter.

The emotional pain became too much to bear and I woke up stunned. Awake, I couldn't figure out where the pain was coming from; either from the knowledge of having lost Jerry (not in 3D) or from the real 3D loss of my daughter. Eventually the pain eased to a point that I started crying and feeling a great loss.

Today, I experienced a panic attack like I hadn't experienced in YEARS! Although I recognized it as such, all the fears and obsessive thoughts started; the light headedness, dizziness and the trembling legs and hands. I'm hoping that my anti-depressant and the Klonopin will take care of the symptoms but I don't know what to do with the feelings. (Owie... headache now) I thought I had that all sorted out.

Now I need to make sure that I don't over power Cheyenne with my need to replace my daughter. She's a different person with her own needs.

I need objectivity to love her for herself and not because she satisfies my own needs.

I'll need to learn to remain objective about how I care for Cheyenne and how I love my own blood granddaughter who has been my own precious angel and only admitted granddaughter. Soon there will come a time when I'll have to warm up to my middle (step) son's hateful little girl. He and I reconciled when Jerry's dad passed away in January.

All of this needs to be sorted out for my own sake. It's "Me First" time and I feel guilty. I feel afraid of screwing up my relationship with Cheyenne and with my Princess Autumn.

Ooooh, my head.... oooooh, my heart....