So this has been a hard summer in therapy. T has been on TWO vacations, he's had a hurt back (which shouldn't have affected my therapy, but it just did), I am going on vacation at the end of the month. My appointments feel so hit and miss with all of these breaks and with T being hurt. At first I shut down, but during his last vacation, I really worked hard at letting myself feel my feelings and stay open to needing T. I even left a couple of messages and sent him an e-mail when he came back (yesterday) kind of catching him up on where I'm at.

I was looking forward SO MUCH to having my normal two appointments a week for the next three weeks before my vacation. Just to have that sense of my safe place being "there", and T being "there", and all of that.

I went for my appt at 5 today and sat down and told T that I was feeling really anxious. I asked him about his vacation and he told me that something came up - a friend's father died - and he is canceling all of his Thursday appts this week. My appt is supposed to be on Thursday

I KNOW this sounds so selfish and babyish, but it was just the last straw. All of this stopping and starting is getting to me. I CRIED which upset me. I asked T why he didn't tell me BEFORE my appt and he thought about it and said he thought about calling or e-mailing but didn't because he thought I wouldn't have come today. AND I WOULDN'T HAVE COME TODAY. It feels sooooo manipulative. I wanted to leave at 5:15 and wrote my check and he asked me if I could stay until 5:30. So I did, and then at 5:30 it was like "just a few more minutes, just a few more minutes". I finally left at 5:45 and I WISH I had left at 5:15. He even said something during the appt about how in the past I was in relationships where the other person was totally in control (yeah, duh, that's how CSA works) and looking back at the appt, I don't know why he didn't just let me leave and have that control. Maybe he was worried about me...but really, I think me staying just made HIM feel better. Like, "well, I sure gave it my all with treehouse, too bad she's still upset". I hate him.

So now I have another therapy break. He always leaves me a message after appointments but I have to ask for "what I need" and I am NOT going to do that, so I won't have a message. Part of me feels like "if he calls and leaves a message anyway, maybe I'll forgive him" but I recognize that as totally immature and stupid. If I want something I need to ask for it. And I'm not going to ask for it so I'm not going to get it.

I know I sound like a horrible person. I just feel like looking back, I wish I could go and get EVERYTHING I've told him BACK and never have started therapy in the first place. I feel sooooooooooooo unimportant, which of course, I am, but now I really "get it".

Driving home I thought about erasing all of his stupid messages from my phone, but that made me cry AGAIN so I didn't. I might. I'm going to wait and see how I feel tomorrow.

I really, really, really, really want to quit therapy. Or at least take a break. I don't think I'm going to go to my appt on Tuesday. I'm going to call AT MY APPT TIME and leave a message that I'm not coming. And then I'll decide how to proceed from there.

In every single rupture we've ever had in 20 months I have ALWAYS gone to my appointments - I don't think I've missed one ever. I just feel like a switch flipped. Maybe a switch did flip. Maybe teen is spilling over into grown up me. I don't know.

I'm embarassed to post this because it's so stupid and selfish. Don't be mean to me, please. If just ONE person understands, I feel like it would make me feel a little better. Maybe.